The importance of managing conflict well
Although some conflict is unavoidable, it is critical that spouses manage their differences in constructive ways. There are several reasons for this. First, if husbands and wives do not handle conflict effectively, it is likely that negativity will increasingly become part of their relationship. As unresolved conflict and negativity grow in a marriage, the good aspects of the relationship often diminish and partners become disenchanted with each other. Second, research has shown that, when spouses are unhappy in their marriages, they tend to experience more physical and emotional problems than do happily married couples. People who are satisfied with their marriage even tend to live longer than those in unhappy marriages.
This finding leads to a third reason why it is important for spouses to manage their conflict well. A strong and satisfying marriage establishes a firm foundation from which spouses can function. When the quality of marriage is positive and supportive, partners can better attend to their personal responsibilities and obligations. A strong marriage also provides people with a greater opportunity to develop their personalities and talents than does an unhappy union. Although marriage requires a considerable amount of time and effort, it is crucial that partners care for their own needs and development as well. They can best do this when the relationship is warm and encouraging and they know how to handle marital conflict effectively.
Finally, it is essential that spouses practice good conflict management skills for the sake of their children. Conflict and hostility are extremely harmful to children’s well-being. Many studies have shown that marital conflict leads to poor outcomes in children, such as decreased self-esteem, greater stress and anxiety, low achievement at school and behavioral problems. Conversely, spouses who support each other and have peaceful marriages are more likely to have well-adjusted, competent children. However, an unhappy marriage should not be preserved solely for the children’s sake. Children in two-parent families marked by a lot of conflict often fare worse than those in families that have undergone a peaceful divorce. Whatever the situation, it is important that spouses learn to manage their disagreements effectively and control the amount of conflict in their relationship. This will help foster the well-being of themselves and their children.
Skills for handling conflict
Because managing conflict is so important, it is essential that you practice certain skills that will enable you to handle conflict well. The following sections highlight some of the skills needed for dealing with differences and disagreements effectively.
Open communication
Good communication can be difficult at times — especially during conflict. People often hear a different message than what the speaker intended. There are several possible reasons for this. First, spouses are often preoccupied with their own concerns or are preparing a rebuttal and do not really listen to what their partners are saying. Second, spouses may perceive their partners’ messages negatively if they are tired or in a bad mood. Finally, different styles of communicating can also result in misunderstandings.
Partners can learn to communicate better by developing more effective ways of speaking and listening. It is important to take turns in a conversation so each can have the opportunity to express his or her thoughts and ideas. The person talking should focus on his own feelings and not attempt to read his partner’s mind. He should also be positive and avoid making accusations or criticizing his spouse. The person listening needs to be aware of her body language. Eye rolling, negative facial expressions and crossing one’s arms may signal disapproval to the person who is speaking. Even if the listener does not agree with what her partner is saying, she needs to make an attempt to understand his viewpoint and be respectful. Showing genuine interest in someone’s feelings and refraining from giving unsolicited advice go a long way in creating an atmosphere that is conducive to positive communication.
Ideas for effective marital communication
- When your spouse talks to you, try to understand what he or she is feeling.
- Give your partner both verbal and nonverbal feedback so he or she will know that you have understood what he or she meant.
- Be aware of the nonverbal messages you send when someone is talking to you, such as facial expressions or body posture. These can be very powerful!
- Refrain from voicing judgmental comments and jumping to conclusions before your partner is done speaking.
- Show respect for your spouse’s perspective, even if you do not agree with it.
- Take the time to really listen when your spouse needs to talk. Doing this will help him or her feel that you value his or her opinions and ideas.
- When you need to have an important discussion, remove distractions as much as possible so you can talk with each other more easily. For example, take a walk outside in order to get away from the telephone or talk in your bedroom where the children will not interrupt.
- Communicate clearly and directly so your partner will have a greater opportunity to understand you.
- When you are speaking, focus on expressing your own feelings, not trying to guess what your partner is thinking.
Controlling negative thoughts
The way a person treats others usually reflects the kinds of thoughts he or she has about them. This pattern holds true for spouses, especially during times of conflict. When partners focus on each other’s shortcomings and weaknesses, they often fall prey to having negative thoughts about each other. This negative thinking makes it more likely that they will treat each other unkindly.
Suppose a wife comes home from work at the end of a long, hard day in a bad mood. Her husband is in the kitchen making dinner and calls out, “How was your day?” Instead of responding to his question, the wife snaps at him for having left his coat and briefcase on the kitchen table. How might the husband react? If he is in the habit of thinking positively about his wife and giving her the benefit of the doubt, he may think, “She must have had a really hard day.” He might stop what he is doing and give his wife his full attention so he could try to find out what is really bothering her. However, if the husband takes offense at his wife’s complaint and thinks, “Here I am, cooking dinner, and all she can do is criticize me,” he will be more likely to respond negatively to his wife’s complaint and further escalate the conflict.
Research supports these ideas about the power of one’s thoughts. Marriage researchers have determined that stable marriages have more positive than negative interactions, while the opposite is true for unstable unions. Because negative interactions are often fueled by one’s thoughts, negative thinking can have a significant impact upon a relationship. Therefore, because the substance of a person’s thoughts is often a powerful determinant of his actions, it is very important for spouses to control the way they think about each other. Husbands and wives can do this during times of conflict by focusing on the troublesome issue instead of their partner’s flaws. By keeping their feelings about the issue and their spouse separate, it is more likely that they will manage conflict better and have a healthier relationship.
Forgiveness
Because there will be hurt feelings and conflict from time to time in every marriage, it is very important that spouses forgive each other when arguments and disagreements occur. Forgiveness enables partners to stay emotionally connected and keep their marriage positive. If people want their relationships to grow and become stronger, they must be willing to forgive their spouses whenever necessary. When spouses do not forgive each other, remain bitter and hold grudges, they often experience physical and emotional problems. Thus, forgiveness is important to the individual health of each partner as well as to the health of the relationship!
Problem solving
All couples will encounter problems in their marriage that will require problem solving skills. At these times, it is very
important that the spouses work together as a team, instead of insisting on their point of view and working against each other. It is crucial to understand problems before attempting to solve them. Problem solving is a much smoother process when spouses have discussed the issue thoroughly and each partner feels understood. Surprisingly, research has shown that after a good discussion about a troublesome issue, most people are so satisfied that there is no need to come up with a solution to the problem. Usually, people just want the opportunity to express themselves and feel as if they have really been understood.
Of course, many problems still need to be resolved, even after open, productive discussion. Markman, Stanley and Blumberg, a team of prominent marriage researchers, have identified an effective process for solving problems.
- It helps to set a specific time to work on the problem so that partners can mentally and emotionally prepare. During the meeting, spouses should think of as many solutions to the problem as possible, ruling out nothing until all possible solutions have been presented.
- The next step is to choose the solution, or combination of solutions, that will best solve the problem. It is likely that negotiation and compromise will be necessary at this step of the problem solving process.
- After testing the chosen solution for an agreed upon length of time, it is important for spouses to discuss the solution and whether the problem is being solved adequately. If not, adjustments should be made.
Not every issue that arises will require such an extensive problem solving process, but these steps can help couples solve their problems in a calm, controlled manner.
**This post is Part I of the Valentine’s Week Series: Creating a Strong & Satisfying Marriage. To see other posts in the series, please click here.
- Jamie Seger, The Ohio State University Extension, Miami County / Family & Consumer Sciences Program Assistant
Series Source: Creating a Strong & Satisfying Marriage Fact Sheet series by Sharon J. Leigh, Program Assistant & Janet A. Clark, Program Leader and Associate State Specialist / University of Missouri Extension
We’ve all been there as parents. The dreaded tattle-tale moments when siblings bicker and argue over who-did-what-to-whom. Fights can also occur between youngsters that are simply cousins or friends. So how do you typically react when your children tattle-tale on one-another? Do you step in, or do you give them the tools they need to resolve conflict on their own?
Source: Fact sheet by Deborah McClellan, MS University of Illinois Extension
